Some people use AA as a dating service
I've had issues with some people who've used AA to find dates/sex
We don't seem to have direct rules against people meeting in AA, like you might at church or a club and deciding to go on a date.
What are people's feelings on this?
(I'm not talking about predatory behavior of course!)
Comments
The “general rule”, as I've always heard it in the rooms, is, “Don't get into a relationship in your first year”, and, “Don't 13th step (hit on/pick up/fuck/get in a relationship with) the newcomers (AKA people in their first year)”. I wholeheartedly agree with these guidelines, not despite, but because of my failure to follow them, as well as my observations of other people not heeding the suggestions.
When we are new in recovery, we tend to be toxic AF, and are not fit to be in a relationship. If we're already in one, we may be able to become fit, and fix at least our part of our undoubtedly broken relationship (be it marriage or something less official), and should potentially attempt that, if it is safe to do so, because another strong suggestion is not to make any major life changes not directly related to recovery in the first year.
When it comes to starting new relationships, I usually ask the question, "Is the person you are right now the type of person you would want to set up with someone you like enough to want to be with them?" The answer is almost always a resounding “NO!”, in the first year, at least.
As for people with more time using AA as a meat market, that is, as already mentioned, creepy and predatory for sure if hitting on newcomers, and potentially so if hitting on anybody, even people with time, depending on how you go about it. There is also the possibility of one day, being in a meeting, looking around the room, and feeling some type of way about the number of people in the room you've fucked and/or dated. Yeah. Been there. And it isn't great. Not because there is anything at all wrong with having a high “body count”, as the kids are calling it these days, but because odds are high that when you do your sexual inventory, you're gonna discover that many of those were NOT carried out in a healthy way, and you're gonna owe a lot of amends to people in that room.
More importantly, if I'm focusing on hooking up or whatever at meetings, I am missing the meeting content, and so is the person(s) I'm hitting on/being hit on by.
Bottom line, IMO:
Ya wanna flirt with consenting people who aren't newcomers after or in between meetings, go for it, but be mindful, and I strongly recommend not doing so at all until you're at least a year clean and sober, AND at least on step 6, after having done your FULL 4th step, including your sex inventory, with your new, “safe, sane ideal”, and done your 5th step. Because by that point, you're less likely to be adding entries to your 8th step!! (Ask me how I know! LOL)
My feelings are if you are using it just for that purpose it's creepy and predatory. If you happen to meet someone and a relationship develops slowly over time, who am I to judge? Personally, I never thought about dating anyone in AA because I do online meetings and people can present differently online than in person. I don't do online dating because of that reason. I want to get to know somebody in person first before I start dating them. I guess I'm old school that way.